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Stillbirth - and how it has affected my life...

November 21, 2017

Erotica

Hi All.

I just wanted to share a poem with you. Some of you will understand this, and others may struggle. Life is never easy for any of us. Most of us will have grieved at some time or other. The death of our loved ones or friends maybe, and for some, it could be the loss of your child, either from serious illness or through tragic circumstances. The loss is always heart-breaking. Why it has taken me so long to write this I can't answer...but it's done now! I've also added a picture of my tattoo...two white doves in flight, a tribute to my baby girls, Paula and Linzi.

 

Take care,

 

Eva xxx

 

LONG AWAITED!

 

It happened weeks too early

Something was wrong

I knew it when the pains started.

Hours later, after all the pain…

No babe in arms.

Three weeks…dead in my womb…

How had I not realised?

Utter devastation…

The questions…did I want to see my baby girl?

Did I want to hold her? A funeral?

I couldn’t think straight…

No! No! And….NOOOOOO!!!!

If I didn’t see...if I didn’t cuddle…

I couldn’t hurt…I told myself.

 

A year later,

Thirty-seven weeks pregnant…

and the pains started early.

She had been moving…

I’d felt her moving,

She would be okay…

But tragedy struck once more

My new hope was gone…

Too tiny and weak to fight

The course of labour, a hard one.

Heartbroken, bewilderment…

Why me? Why my babies?

The questions again…

No! No! And yet again….NOOOO!!!

I can’t hurt if I keep saying no….!

I kept reminding myself…

It’ll hurt too much…say no…keep saying no!

 

Years later…the regret…

Did it stop the hurt? I keep saying no.

I try…and fail…to picture faces that I never saw…

Images I’ve tried to conjure…

But they remain elusive…

Those tiny features

The ones I chose not to see

They won’t come to me…

Hard as I try, those visions pass me by

The one and only hug from a mummy

They would never know…

Deprived of that one touch, that tender moment…

But the intangible bond remains…

The love that never left me…

The tears I’ve shed alone…

And the yearning goes on…

The hurt never diminished…

Maybe they will wait for me…

And my despair will be pride

When I see my beautiful angels…

And finally fold my wings around them…

A mother’s hug…

Long awaited….

 

© Eva Bielby 2017

 

 

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