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Not so sweet 'nothings'....

A cheery good evening to you all,

As an author of an erotic trilogy (the final part is my work in progress) I often ponder over conversations, but mainly random comments that are made by one partner or the other during sex.

What makes me think of this subject is the horrendous memory of my own big blooper (or in this case, ‘cock-shriveller’) as a naïve, thoughtless, 21 year old and not long married. We’d been making love one night and I’d had my fun (several times over), but he continued to hump away, my thoughts wandered somewhat and before I knew it, the words had spilled out of my mouth,

“Remind me to put washing-up liquid on my shopping list in the morning, will you?” He groaned out loud, climbed off, and then turned his back on me huffily (quite rightly so). Suffice to say, since that episode, I’ve learned that whenever I’m feeling vocal about my thoughts I need to use a scream or ten to stifle the words. The screams can certainly help to speed things up too…

People do tend to be quite open at times about sex. Over the years I’ve heard many ‘cock-shrivellers’, ‘willy-wilters’, ‘dick-dwindlers’ and yes, even some ‘pussy-parchers’ and ‘ginny-glitches’. But to protect identities, I’ll keep schtum about many of them. Most would be censored anyway! However, I’ll give you a couple more examples, one of female honesty that downed a good ‘dong’ in zero seconds flat. The second one, a real ‘clit-clammer-upper’.

Romeo (factory manager), to the Managing Director and myself): “Fucking Hell, the missus said something really horrible to me last night while we were shagging.”

M.D (holding back a smirk): “Surely, it can’t be THAT bad, Romeo? Or can it?”

Romeo: “She said ‘For fuck’s sake, Romeo, hurry up! I’m getting bored!’

M.D. (choking on his coffee): “Maybe she’s trying to tell you something, Romeo?”

Romeo (in a serious tone): “I agree! Time to divorce her and find a wife who actually enjoys sex!”

Me: “Just a suggestion…maybe if you were doing it right in the first place, she would do?”

There followed a loud slamming of the office door, as Romeo departed, clearly feeling stung by the M.D.’s guffaws at my insinuation!

And the final one…a real situation most of us will have dreaded happening over the years, I expect?

Ken and Barbie (your real names shall remain anonymous, don’t worry my friends!) were engaging in a highly exciting sixty-niner on the sofa, when Ken quickly withdraws from her mouth and moves his backside away.

Barbie: “Sorry babe! Did I snag your knob with my teeth?”

Ken (letting rip his loudest to date): “No! I just needed to fart!”

Barbie: “And you thought I needed the butt plug up my arse? That’s rich!”

Goodnight all, and sleep well,

Love and my best

Eva xxx

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