IT IS OUR PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE PERFORMANCE POET, AUTHOR AND WRITER, NICKY J RAE, WHO IS SHARING SOME POEMS FROM HER BOOK 'SILENT NO MORE' (COMES WITH TRIGGER WARNINGS) #RWRTeamBlog #ReadWriteRepeat

From Nicky....

“I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I write poetry, it generally comes out of my mind at random times and stops me in my tracks. I never sit down with an intent to write. I let my health conditions lead me. Sometimes, a poem starts in my head in random geographical locations; in a supermarket or whilst driving for example. When this happens, I press record on my phone and start speaking it out, usually in a manic way. My poems are never edited. There is never a draft copy. What comes out first is the complete final piece regardless of anything.”

Silent No More is a much-awaited book, written and illustrated by Nicky J Rae. A lack of self-confidence and a few bumps in the road have kept people eagerly waiting. Nicky J Rae is a performance poet. Her poetry is written mostly for the purpose of being read out loud. Nicky uses body language alongside her oration as part of her lively, captivating, and sometimes graphic performances. Nicky is and always has been an open book about the harsher realities of both her own life and of the world around her. Her genuineness and sensitivity have created a significant “Me too” following and is very well respected in the Spoken Word community. Nicky feels very blessed that people feel able to share aspects of their life with her and describes it as “a very humbling privilege”.

____________________________

LOVE

Love... what is it to me?

Is it a feeling? A sound? Something I see?

I dunno. I can’t tell. Because most of my life I’ve lived in hell...

...where there’s nothing to do, and nothing to see, that’s godly and goodly and matches up to me. 

There’s no room in this world for people like me.

We’re cast outside, thrown out to sea, where we’re battered and we bruised, and abandoned and lost. 

No one sees, but it’s not true. I don’t wanna be here. 

I wanna feel that love.I wanna hear. 

I wanna smell it. I wanna taste it. 

I want IT to swallow me up. 

I wanna be filled with happiness, and things that I THINK are love.

A glint of an eye, a touch of a hand. Gently exciting. 

It’s really quite grand. 

I sit here and I wonder why. 

Why has it not happened to me? Why am I still cast out to sea?

Maybe it’s my lot? It’s what I’m here for. 

But I’m a stubborn Fucker, so let’s go see.  Cos I ain’t being out in that sea, where it’s cold and it’s dark and it tastes like shite. 

I’m gonna rise like the sun, and come into sunlight. 

My days are gonna be happy and blue.

And pink inside, cos my heart knows true. 

There’s no room for blacks and greys. 

Not anymore. Not through my last days. 

I’m not giving in! Fuck you no! 

I know where I’m gonna go. So I’m gonna go where I think I belong - in someone’s heart. 

And I know there are people who do love me. 

Just gotta find the right one! GOD HELP ME!

These feelings of love are all new to me. 

Do I trust them? HonestLY? I can’t see. 

I can’t see the lies from the truths. 

I can’t see the pain from the joy. 

But I’m learning, and I’m learning to trust. Cos I know there’s good ‘uns out there. There simply must! 

There are people out there who are Deserving OF Me. 

There are people out there who would love TO love ME.  

I’ve just not found ‘em yet, and they’ve not found me. 

So get off your arse and come find me, and we’ll walk through this life, hand in hand together. 

And whether that’s today, tomorrow, in a year or two. 

I don’t mind. I’ll wait for you. 

Not many things move fast in this life we have here, 

so patience is dear. 

But we gotta keep fighting, pushing forwards, trying to reach what we know lies afore us. 

Battling the grief, and the pain, and the shame.

Moving forwards, Standing, Rising again. 

And when we reach the top of this mountain we’ve been climbing, 

we’ll stand at the top, hands held tight. 

Earth smiling. 

And I look to my God and he’s up there.

Watching me, proud of me, wings in the air. 

And I learn how to trust, and I learn how to love. I’ll do it. Loves gonna be here. ...

So I’m gonna stop talking now cos I’ve got things to do. 

Got a love letter, a new pen, new paper. 

And when I’ve written that letter and sent it to me. 

It’s reached the right person, because I Love Me. 

*****

ONLY A MARIONETTE

I am only a marionette,

dancing on a string.

Forced to entertain my master.

For joy I’m meant to bring.

I am only a puppet,

A toy to be shown.

I can’t escape my master’s string

or make decisions on my own. 

I am just an instrument

Forced to contort and please.

I cannot free myself from my master’s demands. 

I am only a marionette,

Created for other’s sake

Made to do whatever they wish,

Until my marionette days are over. 

*****

ETERNALLY BLEEDING

Wake up in a blood soaked bed.

Wonder what made it so wet

Remembered I had cried blood that night,

Because I had realized I’ll never see the light

As I am to be in darkness forever

And you, my love, I can’t see ever. 

Alone in darkness here I lay

Watching how I slowly decay

Your sad face appears in my mind

But I know you can’t be by my side

For I am damned to be alone

In this self-made darkness of roan 

Sorrowful screams from you I hear

And down my cheek rolls a silver tear

Me, you said you wanted to save

And you, my love, are the only one I crave

But you shall never hold me in your arms

As I will only do you harm 

I feel your wet tears on my bare skin

Loving you seems like a mortal sin

I hear you cry inside my head

See your tears so dark and red

Watching each single one of them fall

Makes me feel so miserable and small 

Never will I be yours and you never mine

Inside I heard my soul bitterly whine

So all alone I walked to a sheer

My heart, my soul and you I began to fear

If I can’t have you nobody shall have me

This is how I want it to be 

Forgive me for my self-surviving suicide

Which so painfully did us divide

Only this way I can heal your wounds from bleeding

And stop you from your self-deceiving

Alone for now you’ll have to be

But you will forget me, you will see 

Forever bleeding I will be

Longing for you, my love, to be with me

But one day you will join me in death

And none of what we did we will regret

Eternally bleeding my heart will be

Until you will finally be with me

*****

THE WAY IT HAD TO BE

I push the blade deeper,

Wondering why it’s so hard,

To take the final step,

To go the final yard. 

The one to set me free.

Knowing the end will come.

The end’s not here fast enough!

What have I not done?

I sharpen the blade again, 

Hoping that it will help.

Make it easier to attack the layers,

And help the flow of crimson red.

I’ve actually done it now.

It’s flowing thick and fast.

Sweet viscous, metallic nectar.

I lay here mesmerised, captivated,

as I disappear forever.

*****

CELEBRATING WOMEN

Stood in front of the mirror trying to get dressed.

Agonising over what to put on to look my best.

Should I wear Jeans or trousers, T-shirt or vest?

Dare to be different or follow the rest.

Low cut Skinny jeans as fashion dictates

But that presents issues for me at my age

My whole body has kinda flopped and disengaged, 

Then started the whole camel toe, muffin top, debate.

Do I be extremely bold and daring?

Go natural?, feel people staring.

At my saggy arse and droopy boobs.

Or go to the shop and buy parachute panties !

But me being me with my rebellious rage

Decide to sod the lot and NOT dress my age.

I’ll wear the tight denim jeans and the low cut top, and join the parade.

Risk being called ugly and feeling ashamed. 

So let’s sod the stupid fashion rules that most of us hate 

Put no more selfies on Insta for others to rate. 

And let it be the natural feminine look that we always, always celebrate!

**********

https://amzn.eu/d/fbxBIJu (paperback) *Ebook coming in October.

COMING SOON: On Monday, 25th August, our fabulous team member, author Lorraine Carey, will be sharing her Flash Fiction story, 'Dead Matches'.