TODAY, OUR TEAM MEMBER, AUTHOR EVA BIELBY, IS SHARING HER LATEST FLASH FICTION STORY, 'LOVE AND UNCERTAINTY' #RWRTeamBlog #ReadWriteRepeat

LOVE AND UNCERTAINTY

I’m not supposed to be here. I shouldn’t have come again today, but I just can’t help myself.

I watched her walk over the car park, giggling with a couple of friends. She spotted the car. Her parents had turned up to collect her from college. She said goodbye to her friends, got into the vehicle, and once the door closed, they drove away. She’s gone...yet again! I walk to a nearby park and take a seat in the cold, misty weather. I want to be alone with my thoughts.

Over the months, I’ve visited every weekend, but this time, it’s been three full weeks. I’ve booked some annual leave and I’m staying in a hotel close by. I hate the weekends as she isn’t always at home. She probably stays over at a friend’s house occasionally.

Each time I visit, I can’t wait to see her. She’s extremely pretty, and what a stunning figure! The most noticeable thing, though, is she’s so full of life. Hell, I can’t take my damned eyes off her. Her eyes sparkle when she’s in the company of her friends. I can’t help but see that she walks with the grace and finesse of a catwalk model. Her clothes are up-to-the-minute, fashionable - a sign that her parents are looking after her every need. She laughs constantly, her whole face glowing with pleasure. It would appear that she is popular, and I’m thrilled for her; it also makes me happy. Instinctively, I know she’s an amazing and likeable person; kind, caring, and a loyal friend to those who surround her.

Today, as I stood observing, some fifty metres away, I began to wonder...what her musical tastes are. Which band or singer does she idolise - maybe she’s a Bon Jovi or McFly fan, or perhaps Coldplay and Beyonce or Rihanna? Does she enjoy listening to many genres like others do? I can almost picture her sprawled on her bed, relaxing as she enjoys exquisite classical pieces almost as much as classic rock. She comes across as delightfully brimming over with joy, so I can imagine she also loves to dance. Suddenly, I’m visited with an image of her on the dance floor, having fun and grabbing the attention of all the young gentlemen. The grace with which she moves, she could possibly be a great athlete, and good at ballet or ballroom dancing. I’m transfixed by the energy she exudes.

I want to know more. What meals does she like to eat? I imagine cooking a feast for her, but first of all, I would need to know her likes and dislikes. There are so many normal day-to-day things that people know about each other...and I don’t have a clue what she likes. Does she prefer tea or coffee? Does she take sugar? I seriously hope she doesn’t have those high-energy drinks. Is she ketchup or mayo...or both? Pineapple on pizza, or not? There is so much I don’t know, and it hurts. It hurts a lot.

My mind is desperate for further knowledge. What about her academic skills, for instance? Is she better at mathematics or English? Does she enjoy science subjects? I hated science. What career will she aim for? I hope she goes to university to study something mega interesting like psychology or forensic science. I have a gut feeling that the medical profession might be a big attraction to her - a doctor, nurse, or veterinarian. If that is the case, she'll probably need a couple of science subjects.

I need to know everything about her; what makes her happy and what makes her sad. I want to get to know her. And that need is so great it fills my head each day from waking until I go to bed.

One day...maybe.

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Fifteen years ago, I was raped (by a man unknown to me), and she is the result. That traumatic event resulted in the breakup of my engagement. My fiancé couldn’t cope with my low moods and all the weeping. He couldn’t bear to look at me or make love to me any more. He didn’t want to be near me at all. He left when I most needed his support, though I soon realised I was better off without a man who wouldn’t or couldn't stand by me. Within a few weeks of him leaving, I discovered I was pregnant with the rapist’s child. I was distraught, yet I couldn’t bring myself to abort the baby when there were far too many childless couples desperately seeking to adopt. Keeping the baby was not an option for me. How could I possibly look at a child and see the face of my rapist, its father? Or, if the baby was a boy, would he have the same immoral tendencies as his father, once he grew up? I feel terribly guilty that when she was a foetus, I referred to her as…the product...until after she was born, that is.

Once I handed her over, I instantly regretted giving my beautiful baby girl away. My guilt and heartbreak consumed me from the inside.

For the first twelve years, I thought about her every day without fail, and as you’d expect, I hadn’t a clue in what part of the country she lived. It drove me crazy, and at times I made myself ill with stress. I’ve had other relationships over the years, but they haven’t worked out. I’m unable to give my all to any man, because of the obsession I have with my daughter.

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Three years ago, a cousin who I’m close to, started a new job working for one of the adoption agencies. After months of pleading for her help, she finally risked her job by doing some research and disclosing to me, the address of the couple who adopted my baby girl. It was never my intention to visit them; I just wanted to take a look at my little girl. The family lives roughly sixty miles away, and for the first few months, I drove down every four weeks just to catch a glimpse of her, yet those brief moments were never enough. It soon became a weekly outing for me. After every visit, as soon as I set off to drive back home, I've already forgotten what she looks like. It seems to me that time passes so slowly from one week to the next. I can’t get enough of her. On those weekends, I would park in the street where they live and watch from a distance. Sometimes she would go out with her parents, and at other times, various friends would call for her.

I have just under three years left before I can contact her, and even then, it must be through a third party, so I’m told. I don’t know my girl at all, yet I love her with all my heart - I always have. The question is...will she want to know me? The uncertainty is overwhelming...

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COMING SOON: On Wednesday, 19th November, author R Janet Walraven, will be sharing chapter 1 of her novel, 'Rainbow of Promise'.